That birth isn't a textbook with nice clearly defined stages as the antenatal classes suggest.

That pethidine is not the devil drug you assumed it to be and doesn't always mean sleepy baby and feeding problems..

That epidurals don't always work even when they try twice

That syntocin without an epidural is something not to be recommended

That some midwives are lovely and want to work with you.

That opting for a private room with your first one can be quite a lonely experience.

That you will wonder why you obsessed so much over how you were going to get the baby out only to realise when the baby was out, you hadn't read the next chapters in the book in how to actually look after a baby.

That BF can hurt even when it's done right but will pass in a few weeks.

That with your first baby you will be desperate to leave the hospital but with your second you will begging them to let you stay another night.

That the maternity wards remind you of Shaun of the Dead.

That you should buy black nightie/pjs so no leakage is on display to the rest of the visitors on the ward.

That a packet of chocolate hobnobs will seem like a gift from the gods when you find them 6 hours after giving birth.

That you may find yourself crying in mothercare 5 days after the birth because you want to be the lady with the baby in her tummy still and not one with a baby on the outside.

That you will feel normal again one day

That you get to have someone in your life that will make you happier than you have ever been (but sometimes you may only realise this when they are in bed, sleeping).

That everyone's experiences are different, you should keep an open mind and make the most of the time pre-baby 1 to lie around and please only you...

Cant believe some of you had MWs cleaning you afterwards. I was told to get up and have a shower half an hour after birth. Stood up and created a canal of blood on the floor which was cleaned up by Mam whilst she was holding baby!! Also was left in bed with bloody sheets whilst visitors were arriving after having DS2 and DS3.

Wish I had known that ex dp would tell the whole world I pushed out a poo after ds2. Didnt care at the time but did not appreciate him telling his brother and sister in law IN FRONT OF ME that I had sh*t myself!

Wish I hadnt asked my dad to bring me some food in, he arrived with a family sized pork pie( muppet)

I first looked mumsnet last July (a few days after birth) cos I thought I had a prolapse cos it felt like my womb was falling out. I convinced myself that it meant I'd never have sex again. I was OK sitting but if I stood or walked for more than ten mins. Thinking about it, having to have about an hour or mores surgery after to stich me up, this wasn't that much of a surprise. But no one said. All the 13 year old student nurse said on my discharge was "Have you thought about contraception?" Like I was going to go home and start bonking!!!! I guess I should have asked more but I was a bit shell shocked. THe aftercare in hospital was awful. I had to fight to get my bloody sheets changed and then to get discharged. No one came near me for two days. There was a very, very young mum on the ward and she got lots of attention. I guess they just saw an old boot like me and decided I could get on with it. Once home, I was so detirmined to get going I was at a - albeit local - music festival the following week end. I ended up misreable and nearly in tears cos A) the aforementioned symtoms and b) I couldn't bear it if anyone came within a yard of the LO. Things got better on their own but why didn't anyone warn me how I'd feel? No one said to just chill for a couple of weeks. I thought I had to get on with things. I was back at work in no time. I wish I'd just slowed up a bit but I was trying to get BACK TO NORMAL...ha! I think a book of short anecdotes from various people would be great. But I think MN is doing that, in a way. I have no friends or relies that have had kids - my preg at 41 was out of the blue. Reading mn was like, I suppose, when women talked over the garden wall.

i think if someone does write a book (which i think is a great idea but probably won't be done by me) we should leave some of the things out that would scare the sh*t out of people who haven't had children. was this thread a good idea?

Ive been spouting elsewhere/ everywhere about the cons[iracy around childbirth and thinking someone needs to write a book / do something about this conspiracy like Choufleur.

Reading your comments Im not sure if I hadnt had a child Id want to know. How do we help our sisters?

My issues are

No-one told me I could experience chronic pain from a tear that would stop me having sex through anything but gritted teeth

That the medical profession is ill-equipped / blase about helping with post-childbirth problems

That women dont talk about these problems

That having had one labour can set u up badly for the next if you think its going to go pretty much the same.

That childbrith is an experience in assertiveness - never mind breathing, argue with doctors / midwives to do what is healthy.

Sad that this is my first post on mn...because I wish I'd been told that the birth (with loads of gas and air) was ok but that I'd need morphine, pethadine and prunes to do the first post natal poo!

Sorry!

All the books say you need 2 nighties, you actually need one to give birth in, one to bleed all over that night and a third clean one for the next day, otherwise you are left with the t-shirt you arrived in which is really hard to bf in

I had NOOOOOOOOOOOO idea just how awful it would be for 6 weeks or so after giving birth. No one prepares you for how down and physically drained you feel and no one really gives a f*ck about you once the baby arrives. Your visitors will still expect you to make them cups of tea/coffee and will say "See - you can't be house proud now you have a baby" when you have WASTED your precious time tidying up before they came round even though you had absolutely no time to do it.

My SIL did tell me not to worry if I didnt bond with LO straight away - I mean, how long does it take to get to know a stranger to the point where they are a friend? And even then, you aren't expected to let a stranger latch on to your boobs and suck til your nipples split and bleed!!!

No one prepared me for just how awful it is to be forced to stay in hospital (even though you know it is for the good of your baby) with a room full of other women and screaming newborns when all you want to do is try to bond with your LO and the fact that they will open the curtain round your bed day and night due to "health and safety".

No one told me how completely alone you will be with your newborn and how heartbreaking it is when they tell your OH/birth partner they have to go home and leave you all on your own with your baby. They dont tell you ANYTHING in the hospital - you just have to ask ask ask.

Also, I told all my visitors "I am NEVER doing that again" at the time cos it was so awful...

That time really does heal and you get over it all once your little baby becomes a bit more "readable" and gives you the first big gummy grin. Amazing.

I totally agree that it is probably better just to go through with it all totally ignorant to all the horrors because everyones experience is different and you might sail through it like my bezzy mate!

One of the girls on my ward came in, popped the baby out in 2 hrs with only a "graze" and got to go home the next day. I was a sobbing wreck, sitting on ice packs (that I had to request every time and wait for hours to get) and even though I asked that my sheets were changed before visiting time cos they were covered in blood, the visitors arrived and I had to use my bath towel to cover the blood bath on the bed so my visitors wouldnt see it. Nice.

ALSO, the auxilliary nurse physically tried to drag me out of my bed to swap it for a normal bed even though my epidural had not worn off and I couldnt walk!!! She was talking and pointing to other auxilliaries until the MW on duty (who was an absolute star and let us close the curtains when we were feeding/sleeping) came over and told me to stay in bed until I could stand and NOT to try to get up without her helping me. Secs later the fekkin b!tch aux nurse was back over trying to get me out of the bed and I was telling her I couldnt feel my legs yet when MW appeared over and told her to leave me alone. NOT what you need after a traumatic birth...

Oh, and no one told me how unbelievable painful everything would be afterwards. Or how badly bruised you can get down there.

Take all the painkillers they offer you during the birth and after!!! Especially the wee brown tabs!!!! Thats my advice anyway

Ach well, I was really bitter about it and I think I still am now I have posted this!!!

No one told me I would get piles! No one told me that gas and air and pethidine don't stop the pain, just stop you caring about it. I didn't get a bed bath, I got marched to the shower where I tried to wash but got blood everywhere and felt really faint.

I really wish that someone had told me that your fanjo swells up when you have stitches, I was petrified that I had prolapsed

I was also pretty shocked that I had to walk to the ward pushing baby - last time I had been in was for a d&c and then I got pushed to theatre even though I was physically alright

Wow Zazen, v. for you now.
I don't know if you've tried it for yourself but cranial-sacral osteopathy (no cracking involved) might help with some of the pain. And also with removing some of the lingering tissue shock.
Some might think it is a bit hokey but I found it extremely good for DS1 and also refer a lot of my clients for it when the massage doesn't seem to "hold", and they have had benefits from it too.

sorry zazen only just seen your post as I'd hit post.
feel very flippent posting that after you, I hope you find a 'good' ending for it all soon

still I kept the thread going

I was going to post exactly what the first poster did (have done before on here a long time ago) that for me was very unexpected, made me want to tell the mw to just stick her hand up and pull it out!

Yes they did thumbwitch, thanks for the empathy- thing is I felt so angry and cheated? as I had done all the yoga, healthy eating, breathing birthing pool homebirth preparations etc.. it was and is a huge shock to me what happened.

I must have some bad karma somewhere!

My DD is 4 now and she's great, I'm still in pain and my marriage is now rocky - I still don't regret having her though, but honestly it took me a few years to be able to say that.

We shall see what the future holds.
Hope I haven't killed this thread!

Gosh, Zazen, I hope all those things didn't happen to you? if they did

That no matter what you do one in four will have a cesarean. 25% to 30% chance for every birth.

That the person who cuts and opens you up might be useless and cackhanded - and may be a trainee.

That for years afterwards you will have numb patches in you abdomen, and be unable to 'pull in' your jelly belly overhang.

That you will look at your baby and might not bond with 'it'. That you might not bond with your baby for about a year, especially if 'it' doesn't sleep (so you don't either).

That you might not be helped at all after the birth in hospital. That the MW can be horrible, burnt out and cruel.

That you might not be able to have sex again because of scar adhesions. That you might have to have a hysterectomy because of the idiot surgeon who chopped you up.

That sometimes things don't turn out for the best, and your baby can be damaged by the birth.

That your cesarean birth will be classed as
'abnormal'. Vaginal=normal.

That you will have a different relationship with your mother. That you will look at your single mates and wonder why they get oxygen as they are so clueless!

That you may be bitter / upset about the birth for a loooong time.

That people will think you are boring / weird / a downer if you 'still haven't got over the birth'.

That you might not ever be able to have another one.

That gas and air can make the minute hand on the clock move like the second hand - mesmerising.

That the best thing your other half can do is sit still and take orders - rub my back/ hold my hand/ don't touch me etc

That you have the legal right to request a change of midwife at any time for whatever reason. I knew this and wanted to send the sadist who stitched me up on her way but I'd waited over an hour and didn't want to go back to sitting in a pool of blood while someone else was found.

'Just one more stitch' can mean 6 more stitches even when you keep saying you can feel everything and the gas and air that worked perfectly during labour (noone else thought my jokes were funny but I kept myself amused!) now does nothing to dull the pain as you are repaired in a hash job that the doctor recoils at 6 weeks later!

That crowning does really feel like a chinese burn.

That your toddler will ask you questions with great interest and concern as you are rocking and unable to talk through contractions.

That you can tear quite badly and not feel it at all - at the time.

That just because your first baby was two weeks late it doesn't mean that your babysitters can go away two weeks before your due date the second time around 'because we probably have about 4 weeks to go' because the day they leave is when you WILL go into labour.

That you can cut the cord yourself if your partner is too squeemish.

That giving birth it is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing in the world and you will soon want to do it all again.

yes i thought that a little

vizbizz - "like an imbecile who can't breastfeed"?? Charming. Perhaps choose your words more wisely another time, no?

Oh dear god - I have tears rolling down my face, I don't think I have laughed so much, ever!

I wish someone had told me that I would feel like I needed to wee every 5 minutes when the contractions started, but the only way to do this would be to hang off the hand rail next to the loo as relaxing of bladder muscles caused IMMENSE pain - I had a back to back delivery - ouch.

3 years later - I still don't want to go through it again.

That not everyone has a break from pain between contractions. I wish I'd been mentally prepared to not have any rest periods at all during labour.

That contractions can be 5 minutes apart from the start to the finish

that the pain after labour can be so much worse and MUCh longer lasting that the labour itself

That many overworked midwives treat you like an imbecile who can't breastfeed and just grab your boob and the baby and slap them together before they ask you what you actually called them for

That just because you didn't have a c-section (though did have a huge dose of epidural for repairs) doesn't mean you can sit up in bed and pick your own baby up out of it's cot

That you can go through labour WITHOUT a transition phase which means a LONG bloody labour even if all those contractions don't hurt half as much as you thought they would

That trying to get help for post-baby injuries is like butting your head against a brick wall

That it is not all over when the baby is out, you've to give birth to your placenta and that's no mean feat.

That you'll want to marry your anaesthetist for taking the pain away.

That all you can do is count to 10, then start again, over and over again for 8 hours, cos that's the only thing your brain can manage.

That you'll ask questions like: Who's legs are they - when they are yours.

That you'll feel as though you've been hit by a bus for days afterwards.

That you'll wake up on day 3 with puppies that would make Jordan look as if she's on her first training bra.

That when the MW tells you to take 2 paracetamol and a bath to, and I quote, 'take the edge of it' THEY ARE BUG FAT LIARS. take the fecking edge of it my arse.

That when you go in to the hospital your contractions will stop and they will send you home. 3 time this happened to me, but the last time I refused to go home and put my nightie on and dared them to suggest sending me home

That after 59 hours of labour and having a horrendous birth you will feel like your eyes have been turned inside out from sleep deprivation, only for it to get much much worse. Then DH saying 'oh I thought it would be harder'
Thought what would be harder exactly, I had the labour, I gave birth, I did ALL of the nights cos you are working
He will get a shock with any other DC we have cos working or not he will be doing nights for the first couple of weeks. I am going to rest next time.

I have never laughed so much ..... and pelvic floor muscles do come back!
Just beacuse G&A made you sick the first time try it again - 2nd time round it was FANTASTIC.
Inform the midwife if clots are over the size of a 10p........hhhmmmm... nearer the size of a large satsuma/small orange and frightening the first time one falls out
The needle on the back of your hand is more painful than contractions
Mooing is human not cow like
You can feel the tear occuring ---- if they tell you not to push then really try NOT to push
Being stitched up afterwards IS more painful than giving birth
You can learn how to defrost a freezer quickly and discuss receipes between trying to break DH's fingers
You will want to physically harm the MWs who sit and chat/laugh at their desk right outside the room when you just want to sleep
Buy knickers 4 sizes too big
Forget the socks..
It is all worth it - bring on no.3!

I agree with GG - I was laying down having a rest between contractions and just weed everywhere - sounds completely icky but everything was totally soggu from waters and no one even noticed. Fortunately never cr*pped on the bed but as GG says that;s the last thing you are worrying about

That all the anxiety you have beforehand about the possiblity you might sh** yourself isn't worth worrying about. When you are in labour you really dont give a sh** whether you sh** yourself or not!

Just like to echo specialk and say that I found labour and birth less painful than expected too. Had some gas and air for the last hour first time round because I expected the moment of birth to hurt more than it actually did. Second time I decided to only have pain relief when I needed it but I didn't need any at all (both were fast labours).

I would also like to say to anyone who might be freaking out - go and have hypnobirthing! The first session is designed to remove the fear and explain how our bodies do actually know what to do and we should trust our bod to do it and ignore anyone who tells us we're doing it wrong, especially if they're male or haven't done it themselves.
(as an aside, am I the only one who finds male MWs a bit of an odd thing?)

it means your baby is positioned with its spine against yours - not the best way to give birth

approaching pg1 and now even more terrified! What is this back to back everyone keeps mentioning? It sounds horrendous!

that when your water breaks, it could keep gushing, and gushing and gushing... I mean for hours! I literally flooded my bathroom. I had no idea there could be that much fluid in my body!

on a more positive note (for you poor first time pregnant mummies reading this thread in horror!), that the whole birth experience wouldn't be as painful and dramatic as I had thought it would be. Yes, I had an epidural both times, and both births were calm, reasonable, and I would even go so far as to say lovely. I know it is not like this for everyone, but I wanted anyone freaking out to know that sometimes it really isn't that bad!

that contractions don't always follow the textbook pattern of gradually getting closer together. Mine were all over the place - 5 minutes then 3 mins then 7 mins, 8 mins, 3 mins, 5 again, back up to 8 etc. etc.

also that the MWs will not let you take home any canisters of gas and air for those early weeks of breastfeeding. Meanies!

thats birth plans aren't worth the paper they're written on as the midwives will completely ignore them and you'll be unable to communicate and dp will be too gormless to fight for you

that you will spout blood like the victim in a horror movie every time you move for 6 weeks

that the little twinges you feel after the first one are not afterpains...... you'll know what the hell afterpains are every time you try to feed after no 2 and you end up huddled in a ball crying

that breastfeeding does hurt even if you do everything right and the only thing you can do is ride it out with lanisol until your nipples recover from the shock of a baby with a suck like an industrial hoover latched on to them

that one or two packs of maternity pads is not enough

that sometimes when they break your waters every time for the next 2 hours you have a contracton the student mw is going to have to come running with a mop and more pads

that although birth without drugs might have gone ok, being stitched up afterwards will leave you screaming for pain relief... which they will give you..... int the form of a fucking pessary

that your dp, much as he might mean well, will irritate you so much during labour you'll want to rip his stupid little eyes out and feed them to him, even if all he did was offer you a cold cloth

that the tea and toast will be the best thing you've ever eaten in your life and will oddly make up for 3 days of prelabour, 18 hours of established labour, your baby being born flat and having to be resusitated and you being torn widthwise by baby trying to claw her way out of you. and that you'll want to kill the stupid orderly after no.2 who brings you soggy toast and cold tea just because it's 12am and the kitchen is closed.

that maternity nurses are the spawn of the devil and will do everything in their power to ensure your first night is the single worst experiance of your life.

that the drip they give you because you're haemoraging will make it impossible to care for your baby and the nurses will refuse to help so you'll spend the first night stabbing yourself repeatedly with the needle trying to feed and change your baby who does not sleep

that you'll be so incredibly proud of yourself and want to do it all again

HBHTB - if you need an epidural, they are bliss, bliss, bliss. If you do have one though, it's dang near impossible to "push down into your bottom" when you don't know where your bottom is any more! And you don't get any of that slithery/orgasmic bliss thing the others were talking about either. After a stupidly long labour with periodic bouts of dislocating bits of my anatomy, I could have kissed my anaesthetist. But, like I say, when you are that tired AND you have an epidural, pushing is really hard. You're much more likely to have a ventouse and episiotomy. If you are keeping a handle on yourself, go for it without. If, like me, they tell you after 30 hours or so that you are still 4-5 cm, and you completely lose your grip, bellowing for an anaesthetist is probably the best thing you can do!

Message withdrawn

HBHTB - yes your friend sees lots of births where an anaethnist is required not the lots and lots of births where the mother doesn't require an epidural.

HBHTB - not necessarily a good plan if you have to be induced - I was at 42 weeks and they didn't want me to have an epidural as apparently you are more likely to need further intervention such as CS or forceps if you have an epi after being induced.
Didn't have one, birth was fine in the end.

some of these are rather traumatising - some are funny.
Speakng to a friend who is an anaethnetist. She said DEF go for epidural ! Interesting as she sees lots and lots of births !!! Think she is unto something tho !

How your lady bits end up hanging down almost to your knees afterwards they're so swollen! (OK, so I had to have placenta removed manually - I don't know how many arms I had up there trying to get the bloody thing out)

Shortly after you've had a baby it will be impossible for you to hold your farts in.
I found this out when DP's Dad visited us in hospital the day after DS was born .
Fortunately everyone was too polite to mention anything. Or else DP just assumed his Dad had farted, and DP's Dad assumed DP had farted

bergentulip

you forgot to add - then go into another bloody mini labour whilst you birth placenta

i have learned to grap gas and air back from midwife to endure this final insult 'OUCH'

"Oh, and that the sensation of the baby's body coming out after its head and shoulders are out is close to orgasmic. An amazing emptying, slithering sensation...and the contractions stop."

Spot on. Forgot about that sensation.

Slither/relief/immediate sanity and head clearing.....

That the midwife may have a better idea than you about how long it's going to take (me in transition - I want a f'ing anaesthetist - angelic midwife - I don't think you're going to need one of those dear - 20 minutes later DD appears after 4 pushes)

How it's almost pleasurable pushing the shoulders out compared to the head.

How they wait to weigh the baby until you're being stitched so that the crying distracts you from the local anaesthetic being injected into your fanjo.

How many pads you will need - think of a number, double it, add 100, not even close. Stock up to avoid midnight dashes to the 24 hour Boots.

How second time around you will be forced to play football in the park with your 3 year old 48 hours after giving birth, whereas last time you hadn't even made it downstairs........

How miraculous the whole bloody thing is however many you've had or seen.

gladders - they took your dressing off dry? WTF??? Its so painless in the shower.

Oh, yes wanted to add, if you have a CS and then a catheter, it will be bliss not having to get out of bed for a day, but you will STILL feel like you want to pee.

That having the catheter removed is painless (massive relief)

That the toilets are also shower rooms, and the floor can be SWIMMING because the water doesnt drain properly, so always look down so you can lift up trailing hems and not soak your one and only remaining clean pair of comfy trousers.

wrigglejiggle noooooooooooooooooo

your description of labour is miles away from mine

pain more pain and nothing but pain

that having an epidural put in does not hurt (i actually asked when it was going in just after they had finished)

that having c section does really feel like someone is doing the washing up inside your belly (lots of weird pressure and pulling...)and it doesn't hurt.

that having the dry dressing removed is so painful it will make you cry. (removed it in the shower by myself the second time - with midwife waiting outside - was fine)

that nct advice to always accept pain relief when offered was unnecessary. (was in no pain at all as everything numb, and in the end the anaesthetist was actually v worried about me as was asking for morphine 2 days later.... )

that total loss of dignity (inserting catheter in front of 12 people, inserting rectal pain relief after section) is comlpetely forgotten the moment they hand you your little bundle when you are on the trolley waiting to be wheeled out

Just wanted to thank all you lovely ladies for the info....this is my second...but I had forgotten all the horible bits....now I am suitably reminded, I'm in total denial that this could happen any day......

Good luck and hope you still find this thread funny after the birth

- thanks for the belly laughs everyone; I've been sitting here with tears running down my face (but luckily haven't peed myself). First baby due on Friday and I might re-read some of these in the hope that I giggle him out!

That if you are gifted a 'mother-to-be' pampering session with massage, it is a good idea to book this a few weeks before the birth, and not go whilst in labour. If going whilst in labour do not drive yourself, and take pity on the massaging girl when she suggests you call dh as you've made her stop 3 times in the last ten minutes to have a contraction, and although she has plenty of towels she is not a midwife. On the plus side the massage must have done some good as arrived at hosp 2hrs in fully dilated. Midwife "I'm going to get a senior mw to check you - I can't find your cervix". me - omg I don't have a cervix, how's it going to get out???

And that the placenta can also get stuck after a precipitate accidental home birth, causing a frantic ambulance ride through rush hour traffic and an eventual spinal block even though labour hardly hurt at all. The spinal block is so much better than the sensation as the male doctor tries his hand at removing it manually without any anaesthesia other than gas and air which only add to the nausea, though.

Oh, and postnatally, if you are in a ward, it might be a good idea to check that everyone else has used the loo before going to try and do your first-wee-since-the-birth. It can take some time to persuade your bladder to allow the stinging acid out onto your poor mangled bits, and the process is not helped by strange lady banging on the door to come in, shouting that she has diarrhoea, then just as you decide to give up and try again later, you open the door to find, yup, it was too late for angry woman, and you have to try to avoid her hostile glare for the rest of your stay- not easy since you are the only 2 people in the ward and her bed is directly opposite you. Doesn't matter how much you compliment her baby after that, the fact is that you made her shit herself, and she will never forgive you.

And never ever ever go for the corn beef hash on the hospital menu- it looks like it is made from the leftover gore of 1000 childbirths, and was probably the reason the angry lady had her unfortunate accident!

And for some reason some hospitals (mine) seem to think it somehow a good idea to put a full length mirror in the shower room of the post-natal ward- DO NOT LOOK IN IT!! I'm sure it is the cause of many hormonal and hysterical outbursts. Why why why??

Oh, and that when you go to take a shit without having any idea about what really is about to happen, that it's amazing how little it really hurts compared with the previous rather painful contraction which must have actually been transition, during which your 2 year old thought it was hilarious to play horsey with you.

And that when you really don't know that it's supposed to hurt so much you can't talk, you can hold a conversation on the phone whilst in transition.

That sometimes early labour is just a myth. Clean your bogs, ladies.

That when contractions are in full flow, you won't care about pooing and weeing in front of a whole room of people!

Remain open minded, and informed about your choices, don't have a strict plan, you might be disappointed.

Its easier than a bad bout of hayfever, you get a beautiful baby and its over in a couple of days (labour that is)

cwtchy - PMSL at your post - luckily that didn't happen to me but it did feel like my insides were going to fall out every time I went to the loo for several days, even for just a pee

Totally agree about the codeine, Woodstock3. Didn't have a csection but had it for episiotomy pain and spent a fortune on Dulcoease and Sennacot afterward

That your fanjo could be so swollen and misshapen afterwards, that wee will come out at a gravity defying angle and arc straight out of the toilet onto the floor. You will spend a fair amount of time worrying that this is a permanent affliction, and cry because you envisage a future of weeing on your friends/family's bathroom floors.

It only lasted a week though.

That contractions can go on for days before you begin to dilate.

Pethidine and TENS = crap. Epidural = manna from heaven.

That when they give you your Wriggler you will be truly amazed and will cry immediately.

You will be strangely fascinated by looking at your placenta in the bowl on the trolley.

Afterward, there is blood EVERYWHERE in the delivery suite.

The midwife gives you a bedbath, and it's FAB

That you need more maternity pads than it is possible to carry. On the first night I had two lined up in me paper gusset side by side

Maternity wards are hotter than Death Valley

That if you have a temperature after labour they make you measure out your wee in plastic jugs and record the quantity on a sheet

that you can spend months preparing solemnly for birth, reading all the books/asking all your friends/writing your sodding birth plan in minute detail, and when you are ten days overdue you will have a scan and they will say brightly: 'oh! the baby's breech!' and then you will have a caesarean.
that when you have the anaesthetic thingy for the csection the anaesthetist will say 'this might make you feel a bit woozy'. and about a second later your blood pressure will shoot through the floor and you will pass out. and when you come round your dh will say 'God that was really exciting! they yelled for the crash trolley and you had to be resuscitated!'. and oddly, exciting will not be the word you would have used.
that one of the painkillers they give you after c-section for use at home (i think it was codeine) is massively constipating. and after a few weeks of taking it, doing a poo will give you a rough idea of what you missed by not going through labour. (tis better to stop using the painkillers and put up with a bit more pain throughout the day. you were only taking it to make the bfeeding hurt less anyway, really).
that all the above notwithstanding, you will read a thread on natural birth and think csections are really great

That bouncing on a trampoline will never be the same again.

Oh, and that the sensation of the baby's body coming out after its head and shoulders are out is close to orgasmic. An amazing emptying, slithering sensation...and the contractions stop.

WriggleJiggle !!! My contractions were earth-shattering, and I am no wuss, being as I live with pain (some of it pretty evil) day in and day out. I was totally unprepared by how utterly unbearable it was. Gas and air, meptid, TENS - did nothing for me. Could still feel them through the epidural too, though they didn't hurt, thank goodness,

That you get a baby at the end, whatever it says on your birth plan and whatever kind of epidural/cs/whatever you have, so not to get all prissy about childbirth like the procedure of getting the baby out of your body was so particularly important.

oh my god, those tablets gave you diarhoea? Complete opposite in my experience.

Biggest, darkest, most revolting (and dangerous-looking!!!)thing I have EVER seen in my toilet, I can tell you......

That your bumhole muscles can't cope with holding in the diorrhoea caused by the iron tablets (they don't make everyone constipated)!!!!

That forceps delivery feels like having your insides dragged out.

That vonteuse doesn't work on babies with lots of hair!

That second time round when you have booked a HB, it might happen a great deal quicker than first time round in hospital, and not to brush DP off with a cheery "Oh i've got hours to go yet" when he suggests phoning midwife... and then when you do phone midwife, not to say "no rush, but I think something will happen tonight", because you might find that the baby will suddenly decide it is coming in the next 20 minutes....

Contractions are painful, but not completely unbearable. It doesn't necessarily get any worse than the pain of a contraction, the contractions just get closer together and last longer.

With dd1 I was terrified once the contractions started. I thought 'this is what a contraction feels like, how on earth am I going to cope later on in the labour?'

In truth, that was as bad as it got. It isn't always an extremely painful experience. Perhaps I'm just lucky?

Group B streptococcus infection.

GBS = Group b Strep - www.groupbstrep.org/ explains it better than I could. I was supposed to go to a birthing centre, but when this showed up on a routine blood test was told I had to go to hospital and then stay in for 3 days following birth so that dd could be monitored for signs of meningitis. It also meant a bloody painful canula thing in my right hand throughout labour which they used every 4 hours for antibiotics and then when it fell out just before I delivered dd's head they insisted on inserting another canula in my left hand whilst i was delivering her.

The fecking stupid thing about that is that it was for dd's protection yet it takes about 20 minutes for the stuff to cross the placenta and she was about to crown. it totally put me off of my stride and made me hugely upset and basically ruined dd's birth. but I digress. (Bitter? Moi??)

Has anyone mentioned that you will poo yourself when pushing, and if it's a water birth the midwife may fish it out with a fishing net?

what's GBS?

That puking with every contraction is completely normal

PM, did you have GBS as well the first time then? Can you have it for one pg and not another?? If I thought i could avoid the 3 days in hospital I think i'd have the guts to go for it!

its really reassuring to hear that people have had similar 1st time experiences and felt better the second time around. I guess that whole, 'becoming a parent and losing your old life' thing doesn't happen the second time too, which must help!

Just wanted to say to Peterduck - I know exactly what you went through - but honestly the second time was so much easier. I decided in the end that nothing could be as bad as the first experience and went for no. 2. OK I still had stitches and no sleep and a toddler - but it was definitely better!

PeterD - same experience of hospitals here the first time .

But Had my second last year and was home after 12 hours - best thing I did. Spent all day in bed eating chocolate (it was Easter at the time), feeding baby and gently recovering. It was such a lovely time, thinking back!

Oh, and that the phrase 'no, you're only in pre-labour' will cause you to scream in rage.

That sometimes the placenta just will not deliver. And that, having resisted everything except gas and air through 48 f-ing hours of labour and a ventouse, you then end up having to have a sodding epidural anyway.

's not pathetic at all. Me too.

Thought of another thing: that it is possible to get pre-eclampsia AFTER you've had the baby, necessitating a week in hospital.

That when you have got through 18 hours of every-five-minutes-excruciatingly-painful-contraction 1st stage and 2 hours of second stage labour, with 4 differnt midwives, 2 of whom were just awful, then passed the placenta and had half a dozen stitches with no (yes I mean NO) anasthetic and are exhausted, there is every possibility that you will then not be able to sleep for more than an hour a day for 3 straight days. This is because you may have to stay in the hospital (I had GBS) and your baby sleeps only for an hour at a time and then wakes and cries for hours no matter what you do, and that the MW's on the ward are not actually paid to look after you in that respect, at all. you are on your own. Having had 3 hours sleep the night labour began didn't help I guess.

No wonder so any women suffer pnd. I actually think if I had not had to stay in the hospital for those 3 days I would have escaped 9 months of what i now see must have been pnd. DH could have given me a chance to sleep by taking dd for walks when she and I were both crying and utterly lost, and I would have been able to have a meal that hadn't had the vitamins boiled/burned out of it.

I'd honestly love another baby, but I'm just not sure I could go through it all again. This sounds pathetic reading back on it, but I am actually pretty hardy. It was a huge, HUGE shock.

That when you are pushing the head out, it really will feel as if you are actually, really, truly being split in half.

Talking of poo... tmi, but.. I think people should be told that it is perfectly normal to do one when you're pushing out a baby!

I was mortified when it happened to me, but midwife says nearly everyone does it.

And afterwards... Clots the size of small tennis balls in your lochea - that's another one that had me on the phone to midwife at 3am thinking I had shed a kidney.

That you should eat lots of cooked green vegetables in the weeks following the birth, lest your poo become a rock and scratch your anus, and you suffer the blinding agony called 'anal fissure'.

That breastfeeding makes your fanjo dry like a bone, and that you should not even think of sex without lubrication at hand.

Labour: That your plans for an active birth will go right out the window because...

a) you are too bloody knackered.
b) no one told me that contraction pain doesn't just happen in your back/pelvis, but will include the tops of your legs.

That you will want to kill your dp for parking about half a mile away from the hospital entrance when your contractions are 3 mins apart, even though there were 'maternity' ones available, just because he's paranoid about getting a parking ticket!

Post-Labour: That you will become 'tuned' into every noise/cry your baby makes on par with superman's super-hearing, but that your dp will acquire selective-hearing.

That babies really will want feeding every 3 hours.
And that they really won't care how little/no sleep you've had.

That you should keep your mouth closed when pushing, otherwise, as a wise midwife told me 2nd time around, all the energy goes up instead of down.

Types of labour:

C) The "bloody painful, bloody exhausting, no birth plan, quite frankly don't care about a freakin' birthplan(!), get through it minute by minute, definitely still remember the pain!!! but not traumatised, no overwhelming 'rush' of love, just a sort of 'oh, hello, there you are then' accepting love, so I guess that's what all the fuss is about" kind of labour.....

That was me, both times.

But I'm a matter-of-fact kinda gal.

that when you have strong pains at 33 weeks it is not just "the aches of late pregnancy" and you shouldnt "just get used to it" but in fact you can go into labour at 33 weeks.

said labour can indeed last for 5 days, yes, even when you are already dilated 3cm on day 1

that you shouldnt tell your dh not to come in the middle of the night when your waters break as they will of course decide on an emerg c/s as soon as you hang up the phone

that you do still bleed after a c/s - couldnt understand why i was bleeding from there when ds came out sunroof way

that you can bleed for 12 weeks and it isnt permanent and will eventually stop.

that you can still get an anal fissure after a c/s and that it hurts more than the c/s itself

that you will wake up soaked (changing nighties soaked and hair dripping soaked) from night sweats and that this can go on for weeks

that the £650 you get charged for your own room with an ensuite is the best money you have ever spent and you plan to do it again with no2

I felt like I was going to poo, but the midwife reassured me I wouldn't.
Then.....I did

And also wish I'd taken more knickers in my hospital bag. The water was leaking out of me for hours in labour and I got through so many pairs!

That there are (roughly) two types of birth:

a) the "OMG, that was painful, thank goodness I had a tens machine/kept breathing/had a water birth (etc)... But it was worth it, I got a real buzz out of seeing my baby, and now a couple of months on I can't really remember the pain." birth

b)the "how can something so totally horrific happen to a person and the person not die? Breathing/massage/water/movement - all completely impossible. Birth plan out the window. By the end I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I didn't really want to gaze on my baby afterwards, I was too busy throwing up. And now, 6 months on, I can remember every sodding contraction" birth.

Mine was most definitely fell into the B category. If you have a horrific experience, you go into mourning for your birth plan for a while, but at the end of the day, it doesn't stop you enjoying your baby and being a good mum.

Also - BREAST FEEDING IS REALLY HARD! everyone feels like a failure at some point, persistence/sheer blody-mindedness is the key.

What else... Oh - urinary incontinence for the first 24 hours. lovely. You've never seen a girl working so hard on pelvic floor exercises!

Actually, I wish someone had told my DH that letting me know what I said as I came round from the GA following my em c-s was Not A Good Idea. Am still a bit about knowing that the first thing dd1 heard me say was 'No, take her away, I'm too tired, I'll see her tomorrow'.

This post is fantastic and sooooo funny!!!

To all those who feel you lose your dignity the moment you step in the delivery suite/ward - my sister's a midwife and she tells her patients, not to worry, you're gonna pick it right back up again as you leave.

Don't know if anyones mentioned this but I was induced and having them measure how far dilated I was hurt like feck.
I know the crowds discussing your fanjo too...

I though getting a smear test removed any dignity I had, but no, I had a shred that "send for someone with longer fingers!" whipped away when no one could feel my cervix.
sigh